Uni x Onii-Chan
by CardinalOnDiscord
Summary: Onii-Chan (or MC) goes on a series of adventures with his kinda-sorta girlfriend, Uni. Basically, the premise is short, self-contained stories about first person MC x Uni. They're not actually adventures, as of now. (if you already read Uni (drama CD), the first chapter is that)


**Dearest Brother**

Hey, y'all, remember me? Honestly, I'm proud that I finished off 2 fanfics in one week. Do note that this will never be my regular upload schedule, since I'm pretty bad at keeping up good upload schedules.  
But did you notice how much more I wrote for Uni in comparison to Nepgear? I feel like that's a little indicative of which one I'm partial to. There _will_ be light mentions of Onii-Chan being in a D/s relationship with Uni, so if you're not into that sort of thing, get out. (those parts are really trash though)

* * *

You know what's great? *no Mr. MC, what?* Coming home after a long day of work and getting treated to a great home cooked meal. Me not having a wife, however, is what inhibits me from getting that free home cooked meal. So, after a long day at "the office," telling a bunch of investors about how great Lastation is (not like they don't already know that), I had no qualms about coming home to a mostly-empty Basilicom, save for the occasional guard and office worker employee who'd glance over in the direction of my room, wondering what the hell I even do in there. But that's neither here nor there.

Picture this, you're going up the elevator in your country's Basilicom, briefcase in hand, dressed business casual, staring at your watch for the umpteenth time, and *woosh* the elevator doors open. No, you're not here for a meeting, no, no, you're not important enough for that; this is your home, and it's been like this for a while now. Noire, the CPU of Lastation, is your sponsor, and that's the only reason why you're allowed to even live here. But it's not like you have to live in constant fear of what's going on, right? You've been 'friends' with her younger sister, Uni, for a while now, and are close enough that you can get away with teasing her. You are so close to her, that she calls you Onii-Chan for some reason and no one questions it whatsoever.

Jump back to the present, will you? The elevator doors open up to reveal the floor with the living quarters of the ruler/s of this great nation, which, as previously mentioned, are pretty empty as it is. As luck would have it, Uni was playing a shooter game, probably already finished her work, the lucky girl.

"Ah, welcome back, Onii-Chan!" She turned around to look at me, in my office attire, but not before her in-game character died.

"You look like you're having fun," I walked over to where she's sitting, which would be in the general gaming area. If I must, I'll describe what she's wearing. She was wearing this blue-green dress thing that I got her last Christmas. I've always wondered why it was called "Christmas" to begin with, but that's neither here nor there.

"I finished my work a lot earlier than I thought I would. Are ya' proud of me?"

"No." I bluntly said.

"W-What?" Uni looked shocked.

"Ahaha, I'm just playing with you," I began petting her, "I'm always proud of you, Uni—"

"Stupid Onii-Chan!" She hit the hand petting her, "Don't play with me like that!"

"Okay, okay, fine." I conceded.

I started to go off to my room, but—

"Hey, wait, where are you going?" Uni stood up.

"To my room?"

"But you haven't eaten anything!"

"So?"

"Gosh, if you're too lazy to make food for yourself, then I'll make it for you!" Uni scolded.

"You're kind for offering, but I don't want to ruin your gaming marathon here." I started to walk off, but Uni stepped in front of my path.

"I-It's fine, really… " Her dark red eyes darted off to the side, as if ulterior motives were in play. Unfortunately for her, the cards were not in her favor.

"Are you sure you can even cook?" I internally smirked.

"Hah? I-I can cook! D-Don't look at me like that! I can make simple meals!"

"If you insist… I don't know what to eat, though."

"Seriously? Out of all the times you've been assertive, this is when you choose to not be?!" Uni frustratedly said.

"Oh, come on, I just came home from work! I'm tired enough as it is; I'm not indulging in your kinks today."

"!" She gasped in shock. Good, I hit one of her weak points.

"You heard what I said," I started off in the direction of my room, "I'll be in the kitchen in 5, you decide what I eat."

"O-Okay… H-Hey!"

Whatever protests Uni had, I didn't really hear, since my room's door was closed. Well, what do I say here? Do I say something about how I Change clothes quickly?

Here, let's talk about the nature of my relationship with Uni, since we're waiting. For all intents and purposes, I've been with, I'm sorry, I've _known_ Uni for years. Vague, I know, but so much has happened in the time that the earth has traveled from the Sun. I think I, kinda, you know, like her. And I know she likes me, too, because she's admitted it to me before. I like her, she likes me, we both understand that. There's no confusion in the script about that. I mean, you saw how she acts towards me, right? It's all "rawr x3, onii-Chan you're so mean~" And I'm all, "you like it when I'm mean to you" and "shut up you're supposed to be in a church right now" But, since she's the CPU Candidate of Lastation we're talking about, there's no way we could ever "be together," you feel me? It would probably be the catalyst to some giant war between Planeptune and Lastation, since no CPU was ever recorded to have a "boyfriend." But, considering the general nature of Lady Nepgear in Planeptune, it would probably be more like a political war, instead of an actual guns-blazing one. We'll play this charade, dance this dance, 'til one of us croaks. I'll be her precious little "Onii-Chan," and she'll be whatever you call a sub in a relationship like this.

Anyway, so I was heading over to the kitchen. Wait, no, first I _Changed into a hoodie and sweats_, I did _not_ enter the kitchen naked. I mean, it's not like Uni would protest even if I did, but it's for formality's sake.

"Oh, hey, Onii-Chan," Uni greeted me as I walked in, "Since you can't decide, I'm making curry."

"What kind?" I asked, walking over to where she was collecting all the pots and pans.

"It's my _special_ curry."

"Well that doesn't sound concerning at all!"

"W-Whatever, just go sit on one of the stools."

I walked over to where the stools were simplistically situated, for the sake of alliteration, and sat down. I stared at Uni, who stared back.

She broke the silence, "Well?"

"Hmm? Are you going to start making food?"

"Ugh, not until you apologize!" She angrily stamped on the ground.

"For what?"

"Treating me like a kid earlier!"

"You can barely reach the spices on the shelves by yourself, can you blame me?"

"G-Gah—If you keep acting so arrogant, maybe I won't make you food at all!" Uni angrily said.

"I would love that, but you'd never let me sleep with an empty stomach, anyway."

"Well, that's… It's not nice to let your guests stay hungry. A-And—"

"Don't worry about it. Even though you're going through all this abuse, I'll make it up to you later~"

"I-I don't want to think about the implications of t-that statement when I'm supposed to be making food, Onii-Chan," Uni stuttered out, turning back around to deal with food.

"Oh, come on~" I walked up behind her and gave her a hug, which apparently led to her squeaking, "Be a good girl and make your Onii-Chan food~"

Even though I was only behind her, I think I made her blush.

"I-I—o-okay…" I think I broke her enough that she stopped being a tsundere for a second. I don't know, but I'm pretty happy with what I've done.

"I can sit down if you want," I suggested.

"No, I can prove to you that I'm not a kid, with my awesome curry-making skills!" Uni exclaimed. She regained her composure so quickly, I'm jealous.

"Okay, so first, I need to put the butter into the pot, and when it's melted, I'll toss in the sliced meat." She took the dish with butter and straight up threw it into the pan.

"Hold on, let me do my announcer voice *cough*" I put on my narrator voice, "Welcome back to this week's episode of _Cooking With Uni_, and I'm this week's lucky dinner attendee! So, Miss Uni, what are we cooking today?"

"Ahaha," Uni laughed, "Okay, Mr. Announcer, we're making my special curry today!"

"Ooh, a bad choice for vegetarians and people concerned about their health everywhere!"

"You're so dumb, you know that, right?"

"Verbal Abuse by Miss Uni over here! She's lucky no one's cancelled her show yet!"

"Nooo, don't distract me, I'm cooking—" Uni _whined_.

"Fine, fine, just walk me through the recipe."

"I should start the stir-fry, then. Onii-Chan, hand me the bowl with the vegetables."

"Mmm, that's not how you ask properly, Uni."

"Wha—do I have to?"

"Do you want me to eat?"

"Fine," she cleared her throat, "can you _please_ give me the bowl with the vegetables, Onii-Chan ?"

"Here," I handed her the bowl, "You got it right!"

"Ugh, annoying, I'll do the next one myself," Uni tried reaching for the some spices that were in the cabinet, "Great."

"What now?" I asked.

"N-None of your business!" She looked around the kitchen, in what looked to be in vain.

"Well, if the person making my food needs help, it's specifically my business."

"I-I can't reach the curry spices…"

"Ha, short!"

"S-Shut up…"

"If I did, you wouldn't be having any fun."

"Just hand me the spices, already!"

"Here you go," I then gave her the spices.

"Now we add water," she stuck out her hand, expecting me to hand her the water. This time, I didn't want to be incredibly mean, so I complied.

"And then I remove the froth from the boiling pot."

"I thought about it for a bit, but…"

"But what?"

"Isn't it weird how fast you're making curry right now?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, in the span of like 30 seconds, butter melted, and water boiled."

"Oh, well, the Drama CD did it like that," Uni added in some demi-glace and gravy while preoccupied, "Besides, would you rather have a 20 minute drama CD about cooking?"

"Good point." I said, "Another question,"

"What is it now?" She asked, exasperated.

"Demi-glace sounds so professional, but what is it?"

"I think it was the rendered flavors of a bunch of meat. I don't really know the process required to make it, but it's supposed to bring out this really nice salt flavor from the other ingredients."

"I so wish I could understand a single thing you said!" I enthusiastically agreed.

"Someday you've got to learn how to cook food for yourself, Onii-Chan; you can't be relying on me and Noire all the time."

"I guess, but I want to make myself believe that I can rely on you forever."

"W-What?"

"Anyway, what are you adding next?" I quickly diverted the conversation away from serious things.

"Actually, I need to take it off the heat and just stir it."

"Well, that's boring."

"Sit down if you don't want to just stand here, being a nuisance," Uni tried shooing me away. Too bad I don't go away that easily.

"Fine." Ha, sike, I went back to my chair. Honestly, my attention span is that of a 4 year old's.

From 5 feet away, I saw Uni adding a bunch of random stuff into the pot, most notably, a jar with this dark reddish-black powder.

"Hey, Onii-Chan, I finally need you for something," Uni demanded, "Get over here, you need to taste the food!"

"Do I _have_ to?" I groaned.

"No, but if you want it to actually taste good, get over here."

I walked over to where the mishmash of food was, in this pot were all the ingredients conjugated.

"Here, take the spoon," Uni offered me, as mentioned, a spoon.

"Mmkay."

So you know how this goes, you take the spoon, dig it into the food, then taste a little bit of the flavors, see how good it is? That's wrong! In this case, the flavors were actually quite good. I think it would have tasted good, I can't really tell, since it's so _ y_.

"A-Ah—hot!" I stammered out.

"Oh my gosh, Onii-Chan are you okay?" Uni panicked.

"M-Milk, please—" I rushed over to the fridge and picked up the gallon of milk that was left in the fridge, and with the insanity of a lower-class hoodlum, consumed the milk with haste. That's fancy talk for "I chugged the milk in desperation."

I gasped for air, "G-Gaah, what the hell did you put into that thing?" My knees buckled, and I fell to the floor.

"That's not what's important right now, are you okay?" she rushed over to me, still dying on the ground.

"Y-You know I have an incredibly low spice tolerance, right?" I tried standing up, to no avail. It seemed like some of the milk spilled onto the floor, but I didn't say anything about it..

"I didn't add the spicy stuff, though! Honest!" Uni stretched out her hand to help me up, which I took, gratefully.

"What about that black powder you added earlier?" I scoured the countertops for an empty jar that held black powder.

"Oh… _Oh no_…" Uni's face grew dark, before she apologized, "Onii-Chan, I'm so, so, sorry!"

"Wha? What'd you do?" I asked, confused.

"I might've, accidentally, added an entire jar of ground peppers into that…"

"You WHAT?"

"I'm really, really, sorry. Here, it's still salvageable," Uni went into the fridge to grab a jar that was completely opaquely white, save for a label in Sharpie that said, 'C'. "We can use this to balance out the spice."

"Ugh, fine. What's in it?"

"I think it was sliced white peaches in some thick, sticky, white, fermented, milky substance."

"Your description concerns me a bit. What is this 'sticky, fermented, milky substance?'" I mean, seriously, wouldn't you be a little perturbed by that description?

"I-I don't really know, haha…" Uni's awkward laugh only furthered my dissatisfaction ion, "It has a rich history within the Lastation Navy, and that's about it,"

"It's going to be your fault if anything weird happens to me, you got that?"

"I'll put out a notice that your death was an accident, Onii-Chan~" Uni started stirring the pot again, "Go to the table, I'll bring the food over when it's done."

"Okay, see you in 4 hours, then!"

Well, it wasn't really 4 hours. It was more like 2 minutes, all Drama CDs considered. I spent that time on my phone, reading up on the fact that the Lady Nepgear was found to be in an incestuous relationship with her brother. Apparently the information was leaked, personally, by the very CPU of Planeptune, herself, Lady Neptune. I didn't even know they had a brother! The article went on to say that it's a unique tradition within the history of Old Planeptune, where a bunch of CPUs married someone who was tangentially related to them.

As I was engrossed with my thoughts of incest, Uni dropped back into the scene.

"Onii-Chan, it's done~" She brought in two bowls of curry, one for herself, I'd assume.

"Wow, you took _so_ long, I was almost going to leave!" I sarcastically said.

"Whatever, just try it already!" Uni insisted. She placed her bowl down on her side and one bowl on mine.

I looked down at my bowl, which was filled with a light-brown colored curry. The original color was a straight brown, so I'm guessing that the "special sauce" had an effect on the color. I tentatively poked at a peach with my fork, looking suspiciously at Uni whilst doing it.

"Oh, come on. I went through so much trouble to make you this food, Onii-Chan! I won't forgive you if you don't eat it." She actually looked serious for once, so I decided to comply, well maliciously.

"If you want me to eat it, feed it to me." Woo! Way to go, I just asserted my dominance by asking to be fed like a child.

"You—W-What?' Uni looked confused. I would be, too, if something like that happened to me.

"You heard me right. Feed me, Uni-Chan."

"You're so weird… Fine then; anything to prove to you that it's good." Uni walked over to my side of the table, and picked up some food with the fork, "Say ahn~"

So I accepted the food right? I expected it to be some sort of disgustingly salty mess, but it actually had a good flavor profile. The combination of Worcestershire sauce and that weird peach mess actually tasted great.

"Woah… That was great!" I exclaimed.

"Ha, told you. W-Woah, wait…" Uni looked down, at me sitting?

"Hey, what're you looking at?"

"Your clothes are covered in milk!"

I looked down, and saw multiple patches of liquid over my hoodie and sweatpants. Uni seemed really focused on one area, though.

"Yay, my favorite hoodie's ruined. Guess I'll have to shower now." I got up to head back to my bedroom, but Uni, again, tried stopping me.

"You're just going to leave me here alone?" she angrily asked.

"What, do you want to join?" I offered, with a smile.

"N-No one would ever want to do that w-with someone like you! You're such a pervert!" Uni angrily exclaimed.

"Technically, you didn't specifically say _no_." I noted.

"That's—Well…"

"Ahaha! You're a pervert too, Uni. You're even worse than I am"

"S-Shut up…" She flushed a shade of red.

"You do need to be _punished_ for what you did earlier, after all~ Noire won't be home for at least 5 more hours, so you won't have to worry about noise~"

"F-Fine. But just so you know, I'm only doing this because you'd go around, getting yourself in trouble acting like this to other girls."

"Wow, you're not even trying to hide it anymore, are you?" I got closer to her, almost to the point of our noses touching, "You must really want to be played with today~"

"Ugh, are we going to go now, or not?"

* * *

Thanks for reading, I guess. I'm sorry if the lightly NSFW stuff felt like it was shoe-horned right at the end, someone on Discord wanted me to add it in.


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